6 years ago today, my life was permanently and perfectly changed. And it was the bravest and hardest thing I’ve ever done.
One month before, I sat on the floor in front of my husband, having had enough of the silent chasm between us. Three weeks of walking on eggshells, waiting for another round of shut down/shut out mode to pass. I’d finally realized after almost a decade, that it happened in cycles, although I didn’t know why yet.
This time felt different – more harsh. Maybe it was the stress of the pandemic we’d just settled into, or maybe he just couldn’t hold the mask up any longer – I’m not sure, but it was more insulting this time. More personal. There’d been no conflict or disagreement – there never was. It would just happen out of the blue, which I know now, was intentionally disorienting.
So there I sat, on the floor in front of his chair with his feet crossed on the ottoman. I was literally “at his feet” – which would feel much more significant later – trying to understand, trying to find a way through, getting nothing in response. No answers, no clarity, no reassurance, until I was finally in tears, pleading with him to talk to me. “Please tell me what’s going on. It’s ME – please talk to me. I’m right here. I don’t understand what’s happening and you’re scaring me. Where ARE you?”
And that’s when he said the words that changed my life. He looked at me with the coldest, deadest eyes and said, “Are you still talking?”
And that was it. I woke up, like I snapped out of a coma or something. I knew exactly where I was and WHO I was, and the first thought that passed through my mind was “What the FUCK am I DOING?? The next thought was, “I don’t know what THIS is, but I know it’s not love.”
The next thing I remember was the sensation in my body – like a surge. I sat up taller and straighter, like my grown-ass Self took over, and I even heard her snicker at how ludicrous it was that I was sitting at his feet. And then, what came out of my mouth next felt more true and more clear than anything I’d admitted to myself for over 5 years: “I think it’s time for you to go.”
And I meant it.
He was out a month later, by my May 1 deadline – which he didn’t think I’d keep and failed to prepare for – so this little woman packed and hauled half-a-garage full of boxes down the stairs until 3am for him to pick up the next day. And it was worth every single step to get my life back.
We were divorced 6 months later and I never saw him again. THAT’s what happens when you come back to yourself.
And listen – I’m a strong, smart, very capable woman – but I was completely hijacked for years by the part of me that was terrified of being abandoned. It can happen to anyone who’s not yet healed that dormant root they’ve never gotten to. There was a lot of shame for staying as long as I did, but now, I have so much compassion for that young part of me and what she was willing to do to survive. And the best part is – having lived it, I was able to FIND her and help her heal, so I/she never has to live it again!
It’s never easy to let go or walk away, but sometimes you have to, to get back to YOU. And let me tell you – if you’ve sacrificed yourself for love, THAT’s not love either. That’s attachment. That’s codependency. That’s toxic.
Real love is way bigger than that – and that’s what you’re made of.
So, happy May – and thank you for indulging me sharing my story. 😊I just woke up today and realized it’s already been 6 years – and life is so good! Not in spite of everything that’s happened, but because of it. It’s been quite the journey back to myself – and I’m so very happy to be home. 🙏
Have a wonderful weekend – and a beautiful May!
Much love, Kate 💗
P.S. I’d love to hear your story – whichever one you’re thinking of right now. 😉Just reply and share – I read them all.
