Reader, one of my greatest, brightest joys is when my 5yr old grandgirl sees me and runs screaming “Kaaaaaaaaakkkkiiii” and jumps in my arms. She squeezes me tight around my neck and says, “I love you, Kaki – I was missin you!”
Melts. My. Heart. God, I love that kid.
She came into my life at the very same time my husband was leaving it and I was so grateful to be able to just be present with her, in my role as Kaki, and not my role as hyper-vigilent-always-waiting-for-the-next-jolt-to-light-my-hair-on-fire wife. That was a well-timed blessing. And I had no idea how much she would help me heal in the next few years to come.
Her presence alone is healing, but what she’s really shown me is how to slow down and BE WITH that little part of me that got left behind so long ago. Can you imagine your little child self running into your arms, so missing you and so happy to see you?? Or feeling sad or anxious and wanting you to hold her?
When I feel that part of me struggling, it’s been such a gift to stop and ask myself, “What if this were P? What would I say? What would I do? How would I be with her?” I don’t get mad at her, or fuss at her, or tell her she’s too sensitive. I hold her and I coregulate with her. I tell her I love her and I’m not going anywhere. I make sure she feels safe and knows her emotions are safe with me.
And then that’s what I do with my child self.
This precious girl has helped me love those precious, sometimes wounded, sometimes anxious, sometimes messy parts of myself in a way I never knew how to do before. And those I’ve passed that wisdom on to have said the same…”Wow. I’ve never done anything like that before.” It’s pretty flippin’ amazing.
If you’ve ever wondered what it really means to “love yourself”, I get it. We hear it often, but nobody really walks you through how to do it. But that’s exactly what coming home to yourself feels like – and that’s what we’re gonna do in this work together.
